Here we go again. Writing another baby's story of how they came into the world. My last baby. My bookend. All my kids on the shelf. In their order. Setting the course for our family. Violet Scout, our last baby is here and she has a story to tell.
This will probably be my longest birth story ever. I apologize to anyone here to read along. (Skip down till you see a b&w photo of a calendar to read just about the day she came) I don't want to forget anything from Violet's story. She is wrapping up my growing babies journey and there are so many important details I want to remember - starting from before we even officially decided to try for another baby.
Beginning
This pregnancy started with some fear and anxiety which I've never experienced during a pregnancy. Maybe because we had waited a couple months longer than all of the others. Maybe because there was a length of time there that I thought we weren't going to have another. David and I had several hard conversations around adding a 4th. He really felt done and I really didn't. There was a short amount of time that I genuinely tried hard to cope with the idea of being done growing babies. If David was done, I needed to honor him and what he was feeling. But I just couldn't imagine Teddy being our last. I couldn’t imagine not experiencing pregnancy and childbirth again. I finally convinced David that it wouldn't be as bad as he thought. That even though there would continue to be a long, trying period of toddlers and babies, he would be so thankful to have that big family. Somehow, I got him to let down his guard and agree to start trying the same month our offer got accepted on the house we wanted to buy in December 2021. (haha)
When we decided to go for it, and I got a positive test that first month, there was a legitimate worry of loss. Those few months of wondering if there was another baby in my future had me thinking this was "too good to be true" - it happening so fast like the others did. So I held onto the news with trembling hands instead of confidence in God's goodness in protecting this precious gift.
This pregnancy also came with morning sickness for the first time ever in my career of growing babies. It was probably nothing compared to that of others, but for me, I had never experienced any sickness in a pregnancy. I was shocked when I found myself throwing up in the backyard of the Cedarwood house while I was clearing out the rest of the things to move to our new house. I actually smiled afterward wondering if this could be a sign of twins! (yes, I’m THAT crazy lady)
Now, with this being our last planned pregnancy and me still wanting five babies, I was secretly hoping maybe a miracle would happen and I would be carrying twins. Silly I know, but I am that weirdo mom that has prayed for twins each time I’ve gotten pregnant.
Between the bit of worry that caused me to search for blood on the toilet paper every time I wiped and the hope that this could be twins, I asked David if I could schedule a very early ultrasound. I had never done that before. So at seven weeks gestation, I went to a private clinic that offered volunteer ultrasounds. The tech covered the wand in that cold, thick jelly and ran it over my still completely flat belly and announced the news of one healthy embryo. She moved the wand in all directions "just to be sure there is just one in there", and I hoped she would find more, but of course there was just one. I was genuinely sad for a minute there. Of course I was happy to see a live and well teeny tiny baby, confirming to me that there was no need to fear, but my hope of twins was squashed that day.
David and Gideon had joined me for the appointment. They left in David's car and I walked to mine alone. I was still a little heartbroken. My dream of having 5 babies slipped away when the tech confirmed this was a singleton pregnancy but then I heard God whisper " I love you so much Natalie, but I also really love David, and your marriage, and this is what is best for you guys". I smiled when I heard and felt these words in my heart. He was right. This was best for David - for us.
That early ultrasound was an important step in this pregnancy because up until this point I hadn't done any research on midwives in the area. If I had been carrying twins, I would be considered high risk and would have to give birth at a hospital. Confirming that it was indeed only ONE made it so I could move on from dreaming and start looking up midwifery care in Fort Collins. Which, in retrospect was the greatest gift, because even though having twins would be amazing, missing out on birthing a baby at home would be sad. I was pretty surprised when I did a Google search of the area that I only had two options here in Fort Collins, without broadening my search to the Boulder/Denver area. ( I now know there are more midwives in the surrounding area, but at the time, that’s all I could find online.) There was one purely homebirth practice and then there was a stand alone, midwife-run Birth Center. Since my last two were born at home under the care of one midwife, I decided to start with the homebirth practice.
David and I set up a consultation with that midwife when I was 13 weeks pregnant. We had a good conversation with her and she let us know that she only had one more spot left around my due date, so without much hesitation, I told her to put us on the books. Unfortunately, after my first prenatal appointment I began to feel like I should have given myself more time before making that decision. Without going into too much detail, there were a few things during that initial prenatal that didn't make me feel supported or trusted in how I wanted to birth my baby or in the decisions I was making surrounding my pregnancy. I walked away form that appointment feeling pretty unsettled. But I had already made the decision to work with her ( I had already paid the non-refundable deposit) so there was no going back now, was there? The days following that appointment I became more and more bothered by several things that were said at each of my encounters with her. I have never had this happen before. I've always loved my midwives from the start and felt like we clicked right away. I have listened to hundreds of birth stories and knew it was normal and totally okay to change my mind, but if you know me, you know that I am not good at confrontation and wouldn't want to offend this midwife by telling her I wanted to leave her practice. I was also feeling stumped because I just had it in my mind that I wouldn't want to go to the birth center. I mean, I'm a homebirther!
I was hesitant to tell David how I was feeling because I knew we would lose our deposit if we switched care. I opened up to one of my homebirth mama friends about it all - saying it out loud made me realize how much it was actually troubling me. She immediately suggested I start looking for different care and then she told me about her own experiences switching care during two of her three pregnancies. I needed to hear this so much. I had no idea she had gone through this before and knew it was totally God that I had chosen to talk to her, specifically, about this. (Thanks Nik!) Finally, after that conversation, I felt ready to talk to David about it. He came out of his office for a cup of coffee and suddenly all the emotions I was holding in about it were spilling out of me. Of course, he totally understood and said not to worry about the money.
The next day I called the birth center and asked if the midwives there attended home births. The answer was yes and I realized I should have known that would be the case. I don’t know why I assumed they didn’t. I scheduled a consultation and instantly felt so much better making a step in a new direction.
Oddly enough, the soonest date that the birth center had available for me to come in was on the same day of my next prenatal with my current midwife. I took the date though, thinking it might be a good way to compare the two and see how I was feeling that day. Maybe my next prenatal appointment would prove that I was overreacting or reading things incorrectly? I went to that appointment with an open mind. I prayed the whole way there, asking God to make it clear and fill me with peace. I also prayed for my midwife and asked God to give me a tender heart toward her. That appointment went okay, but I still had that feeling that we weren't on the same page. For whatever reason, I didn't feel comfortable there. We just really didn't click - that's how I felt on my end at least. I scheduled my next prenatal with her (thinking I'd probably not be going to that one) and then headed straight over to the birth center for my consultation.
I walked into the Center and was instantly dazzled. It was such a beautiful, tranquil space. The birth center I used with Gideon was a lot different than this. More clinic-y feeling. This one felt like I was stepping into a spa. I sat down on one of the couches next to a mama with an itty bitty baby and then realized she went to my church. I didn't know her well, but I definitely recognized her and she recognized me. She was spilling over with praise for the care she received there and how she wished she could have had her first two babies there too. In my heart, I was thanking God as she talked. He was already giving me such clear direction and comfort there.
Althea - the head midwife who started the birth center greeted me and invited me into a private room to chat. It was so easy to talk with her and she felt for me in my concerns. We talked for a long while and then she gave me a tour of the facility. You should have seen the look on my face when I saw the birth tubs! The rooms were gorgeous, complete with every coping tool you could think of wanting at your birth. I wanted to start care right then and there, but I told her that I had rushed into my last decision and I needed to give myself a little more time to pray and make a careful decision this time.
I already knew what decision I was going to make as I drove home, but I decided to still take the day to pray. I called the birth center the very next morning, joyously stating that “I'd love to transfer into their care”.
The next steps in the process of switching care was not as easy. I chose to write an email to my midwife telling her the news. Her reply came with much surprise and she asked if I would share what had been said to make me feel so uncomfortable. I was hesitant to be fully honest, but since she had asked I laid it all out for her as gently as I could. In the end, I felt okay with our correspondence but was so happy when the back and forth emails ended and I could put all that behind me and look forward to meeting and getting to know my new team at the birth center.
The funny thing is, the initial reason I didn't pursue the birth center was because I wasn't sure they would attend home births, but after seeing the facility, I was actually considering a birth center birth for this baby. I wouldn’t have to worry about my house being clean or setting anything up. I could just arrive to a perfectly clean room with a reliably hot birthing tub (if you know my other birth stories you know that would be huge for me) and focus only on pushing a baby out. But after an adorable conversation with Gideon where he said, very matter of factly, that of course "we had to have our baby at home", it became instantly clear to me that's what I really wanted. He also told me that he wanted to be there. So from then on, that became the plan - a home birth with Gideon (and possibly Maple and Teddy) by my side. I ordered a book that I heard about on the Birth Hour called “Bringing Home Baby” that was written to help prepare children for home births and leaned into this new and exciting plan.
There's not much to share between that point (about 17 weeks) and 32 weeks gestation. I had monthly visits, was getting to know lots of different people on staff at the birth center, and was very happy with how everything was going.
I guess I’ll add that another decision I made earlier on was to get the early blood test to confirm gender versus waiting till the 20 week ultrasound. I did this through that same private ultrasound clinic that did my early ultrasound. And we got the results the day before David left for a 3 week work trip to Europe. It was such a gift because I got to tell David in person, rather than over the phone. I was ecstatic to find out that our 4th and final baby was a GIRL! Thank You Jesus! I needed this happy news to get through the long stretch. I took a pink paint pen and wrote on the shower walls“ IT’S A GIRL!” and filled the shower with pink balloons. But I decided to be sneaky and put blue balloons in the rest of the bathroom to throw him off the scent. It was a fun intimate way of sharing this special news. And this was the first time I got to be the one to tell David. With Gideon, he found out and told me. With Maple, we had a big gender reveal party with all our best friends. With Teddy, we gave the results to my brother in law and he surprised us in a special way. So it was so fun to do another rendition of sharing the results.
We had decided on a date a few weeks back that if we had a girl she would be named Violet. A name David had on his mind since he was in high school. Random, I know. But his lifelong friends confirmed that he’d been talking about “Violet” for a long time. I used to tease him that she was his “dream girl” haha
We were thinking of giving her my Dad’s mom’s name as a middle but, although I love her name and adore my Grandma, I wasn’t dead set on using it. Not all our kids have family names so I didn’t feel pressure to pass on a relative’s name to Violet. And then one day while driving out to Steamboat Springs, a truck with a camper top passed us with the word “SCOUT” on the front in big capital letters. I saw it and read it aloud. “Scout. I like that. That would be a cute name. Should we name her Violet Scout instead?” David said he saw that name and had the same thought. Then he started saying maybe we should just call her first name Scout. But the kids wouldn’t have it, so we settled on Scout as her middle name that day. It was an extra special name since David and I had just finished reading “To Kill a Mockingbird” and were quite smitten with the character Jean Louise “Scout” Finch. I liked the name even more after looking up the definition of a Scout - a soldier or other person sent out ahead of a main force so as to gather information about the enemy's position, strength, or movements. This felt like such a cool spiritual word over her!
On the way home from that trip while discussing her name again I heard this word over her “she will march to the beat of her own drum”. Which was a sweet thought since she would be the youngest of 4 very wiley kids. I liked knowing she would pave her own path, instead of just following in line with the rest.
At my 32 week prenatal appointment baby girl was BREECH! I was genuinely so shocked. I've never had a baby present breech in the third trimester. I had been considering seeing a chiropractor, hearing it was a really enjoyable ritual during pregnancy and this was just the motivation I needed to get me to make the call. So from then on, I went in once a week, twice a week at the end. I also began to do spinning babies exercises - forward leaning inversions, cat-cows, and dip the hip. I tried my best to always sit correctly and use an exercise ball when eating meals at the table. I had never been so mindful of my body positioning. At my next appointment she had turned from breech but now was lying transverse (horizontal across my belly) - again, not good but there was still lots of time to correct this. By 35 weeks she was head down but in the oblique position. Instead of having her bottom up, she had her booty way off on my right side and she stayed like that, kicking me on my side till she decided it was time to come out.
At 35 weeks, David and I flew the coop for a week in a camper van, exploring the San Isabel Wilderness and enjoying some freedom before our life became one baby crazier. It was a beautiful trip.
The day we returned from our babymoon, this strong urge to always have the house clean kicked in - specifically the living room/kitchen (where I was planning to have the pool set up for the birth). I needed it clean and free of clutter every night. I wasn’t even allowed to have a home birth till the next week, but still, I felt the need to have everything ready to go. I also had a strong urge to go camping with the kids. Our adventure away was so satisfying and fun, but it made me long to be out exploring with the kids. I couldn't believe we had gone all summer without taking the camper out as a family once. I was determined to make it happen, and despite a few bumps in the road, David supported me and we spent two days enjoying the beauty of the Wyoming Snowy Range mountains with the kids. It was so special. One last memory with the family we'd known for the past 2 years.
We came home and I felt so fulfilled. Having that last memory camping together made me feel so ready to welcome the new baby and the shift in family dynamic.
Now with each consecutive baby coming a week earlier than the last (Gideon 40 + 2, Maple 39 + 2, Teddy 38 + 0), I was fully prepared to go into labor that week we returned - I was just hitting 37 weeks. I realize that would be a pretty early baby. I know keeping a baby in longer is usually a good thing, but with my history, it was hard to not be tempted to think things could follow the same pattern.
I kept telling myself that if I were to have a fifth baby, a sixth baby, that pattern would have to shift, my body wasn't gonna be popping out 36 week babies. It was silliness. But still, I couldn't get my mind off of 37 weeks being an option this time. Even in the weeks prior, I had already started to analyze everything. There were a couple bad nights of sleep where I woke up in a panic thinking I was having contractions. Clearly my head was not in the right place. And the silly part was, I didn't even want an August baby. I wanted Violet to be born in September, for no real reason except that I liked the idea of it more.
So I spent that 37th week making lists and checking things off one by one. Night out with my friend Laura. Check. Get nails done with Sandi. Check. Swim at the pool a lot. Check. Deep clean the house. Check. Take a swim at Horsetooth Reservoir. Check.
On the 27th of August, I experienced about two hours of regular, cyclical Braxton hicks contractions during nap time. It wasn't enough to make me think anything was really happening, but it did motivate me to get our bedroom situated the way I wanted it for Violet - with the bassinet next to the bed, the changing pad on our dresser, diapers and wipes handy, and her teeny tiny clothes accessible. Those couple hours listening to worship music, swaying with the waves of contractions, and prepping the room, made me so excited for the day I would go into labor and that felt so good to feel. I always have a moment of panic getting close to the due date where I question if I actually like birthing babies as much as I let on. Would I be able to endure the pain and manage to do it at home? But that all washed away that afternoon, while I felt my body practice and prepare to do what it was made to do.
And so we reach 38 weeks. I stupidly picked out a few days that I would have liked to have her on. One being September 1st and the next being the 5th.
I had a chiropractic appointment on August 30th. Afterward I called all over town looking for the electrolyte drink I've had in all my previous labors. (My plan was to just use the same powder mix I'd been using all during this pregnancy to stay hydrated, but last minute decided I didn't want to mess with what was tried and trusted so many times before.) Thankfully I was able to find it at Natural Grocers. They told me they had just gotten a new shipment in that morning. (Thank you Lord! He is in the details.) While I was walking through the store grabbing things, I noticed I was contracting and was feeling lots of pressure on my cervix. Could things be starting?
I woke up the next day and blew my nose and it was bloody. I laughed out loud remembering a dream I had a couple months before where I woke up with a bloody nose and said "it's the bloody show!". I couldn't help but take that as a possible sign that I might go into labor soon and actually have her on September 1st! I had my 38 week appointment that morning and when I walked in they said "you're glowing". I had told myself not to say anything about the dream because it was silly, but I couldn't help it and told them, mostly because I thought that dream was so funny.
I finally got to meet with Althea again at this appointment - my first prenatal with her. We had a really good conversation and I was happy to connect with her again, knowing that would make me feel better if she was the one who showed up at the birth. I had decided to hire a birth photographer for the first time ever and she texted that morning as well asking if anything was happening as she was planning to go to Denver in the early afternoon. I told her I had a good feeling but no real signs of labor. But her reaching out to me that morning wasn't helping my over-analyzing brain.
I decided to treat the day as if it were the last day before the baby and basically recreate some favorite pre-labor traditions. We took our classic last family photo at our front door and then hopped in the car to go on a walk in a special place - Soderberg Trail. On the way to the trail we saw a rainbow and deer. I ran alongside the kids as they biked the trail, thinking "this will for sure do the trick". When we got home we ordered Thai take out to eat after the kids were in bed and watched a show. Then we FaceTimed with Sam and Heather - they had been apart of our last two births in such a special way and I wanted them to be a part of this one too. They prayed for us and spoke some very specific words over Violet and I. I'm so glad we got to talk to them! Then to end the night we had sex, ya know, just in case it was the last time for a while. I stayed up a little longer puttering and cleaning but didn't do everything, not wanting to stay up too late if tomorrow was gonna be the day.
September 1st
Sure enough I wake up around 2 am to a sensation. I went through all the possibilities to why I was awake. Did I have to pee? No. Was I thirsty? Nope. Acid reflux? No. And then I felt a slight burning feeling in my lower back. “Hmm that felt like it could be a contraction.” I was so happy, but also nervous. It's hard to tell when you're laying down if that's really what you're feeling. I remembered the sink full of dirty dishes that I had left. I decided I would get up and load the dishwasher and see what was going on.
I was too awake and anxious at this point to fall back asleep anyway. I was on my feet for about 30 minutes cleaning dishes and was having a mild contraction every 3ish minutes lasting about 30-45 seconds. I tried really hard to judge them fairly. I could feel them on my cervix and wrapping around my back so I didn't think they were just Braxton hicks. I was starting to feel confident but was nowhere near making any calls yet. I went upstairs to pee and from then on the contractions stopped. I got on the exercise ball to bounce and do some hip circles to see if they would come back, but they didn't. Finally I gave up and crawled back into bed pretty disappointed. It took me a long time to shut off my brain and fall asleep. I remember waking up a few more times to light contractions but by the time I woke up in the morning they had stopped altogether.
I was so convinced that labor was coming that day that I basically wrote off all the plans I had for the coming days. But here I was, not in labor and there was stuff we had planned to do.
We met up with Laura and her kids at Avery park. She asked me how I was feeling after I had told her about my night and I basically said "Well I had my magic day yesterday and I'm not in labor yet." Then I threw my hands in the air and said "I've let go. I have no idea when this baby is gonna come." They left and the kids and I stayed a little longer to fish for crawdads in the creek. We ended up catching a bunch and having a great time! It turned into a really fun afternoon and was definitely redeeming my bummed out state of mind.
I had another Chiro appointment that day and I almost forgot to go. Like I said, the day before, I didn't think I would make it to any of my future plans. At my previous appointment that week, they had mentioned trying an induction method on me when I came in next. I've never sought out help to induce labor but since this was my last pregnancy, I figured I'd try it just for fun! Maybe it would get things going again and I'd have her that night - so we went for it!
I came home and went on a sweaty walk in Fox Meadows trying to kick things into gear. I tried to pray and get my head in the right place, but it was hard. I knew I was trying to control things. I wasn't trusting God, His timing, His plan. I couldn't help but think about something I thought I heard him say the night before on our family walk in Soderberg - "not yet". I had heard it so clearly but I didn't want to believe it was really God speaking. Why would He say "not yet" when I wanted this so bad. I was trying really hard to have faith that things would work out just as I wanted them to. This was the story I wanted to tell of Violet. Starting with a funny dream, good family time and then her arrival. So I just couldn't hear "not yet". But now I knew, He was trying to warn me not to get my hopes up. And I had ignored Him.
Since it was Thursday, that meant I'd be putting all the kids down so David could take a Jiu-Jitsu class. The night felt chaotic and rushed. I was tired. I was always tired. And I was bummed. All the kids felt hard to put down and I felt like I was being short with them and just wanted to get it over with. After multiple calls and requests, I finally shut the door saying very gruffly "don't call me again", I found myself collapsing on the stairs and started to bawl. I felt like a terrible mom. I felt so sad about how the night went. "I don't even want to go into labor now" I thought. This isn't how it's supposed to be.
David got home around 9pm and found me on the couch looking sad. I started telling him how bummed I was and how embarrassed I was that I was making it seem like I knew I was going to go into labor to all these different people. I was annoyed that I was making it to all these things I thought I wouldn't make it to because I thought I'd have her in my arms already. Now I felt like I was never gonna go into labor. He was sweet and held me, holding back most of his amusement. I knew I was being silly but I genuinely was so down for a bit there. After I got it all out in the open I felt so much better. That night I didn't clean like a crazy woman or try to have sex with David. I let go of whatever control I thought I had and made peace with God's plan and provision over us.
September 2nd
The next day was Friday the 2nd and I had volunteered to model for some pictures at the birth center with the kids. I didn't plan it out very well because, again, I didn't think I was actually gonna make it to the event. I asked David if he could take a long lunch and come with us so it could be a fun thing rather than a stressful experience - a big pregnant lady trying to keep three unpredictable children cooperating while some random person was trying to take our pictures. Thankfully, David was able to move some meetings around so he could come with us. I am forever thankful for his flexible job.
The shoot was actually really fun and I was so glad that I did make it to the event. It felt like an important experience for my relationship with the birth center and hopefully my future there (I had started dreaming about getting involved with facilitating some community events there to stay in the birth world even after being done having kids). It was also really nice to see everyones faces and for David and the kids to be around the midwives and different people on staff there.
After we were done with the shoot, we headed up to Josh & Johns for an ice cream treat. While we were there, we bumped into Jen - a new midwife who had just moved from California. I had only had one prenatal with her but I liked her right away and felt so comfortable with her. It was nice to meet her husband and daughters and have her interact with my family more. I realized that since her older daughter was in town for the weekend that probably meant she wouldn't be on call. I asked her and she looked at me with searching eyes " are you gonna have a baby this weekend?". I really didn't know and told her, like I told Laura, "I've given up trying to figure it out". Then she shared that she had told Althea that if I went into labor over the weekend they could call her to help because she liked me and my family and would love to be at our home birth. Just hearing those words made me feel so seen and supported. I needed that after the silly whirlwind of a day I had on Thursday.
Friday was a lovely, normal day. We went to the pool after David got off work and I decided to be "crazy" and jump off the diving board - "I mean what's the worst that could happen? I go into labor? Great!"
When we got home I asked David if I could go for a walk. I had been trying to make going for a daily walk a priority over the last week. Partially because I needed the exercise and walking is good for helping babies get into the right position. And partially because I really wanted a walk through Fox Meadows to be a part of this birth story. But mostly because walking/running in nature is where I have the best prayer time and I really needed to connect with God and have Him fill me up with peace and joy before another day closed.
The sky looked stormy but it was still warm out so I went anyway. It was beautiful and moody out and I felt so good. I was hoping to see a brilliant sunset so I hung around in the meadow longer, looking towards the mountains. It started to drizzle and I heard thunder. Lightning struck the sky and I had a good time of prayer asking God to heal some friends of ours who were battling cancer. I was the only one out there and feeling so much of God's presence and power and then it started to pour. I was drenched from head to toe in a matter of seconds and just laughed and enjoyed the moment. Sam and Heather had both had words related to water concerning Violet and the birth. Between jumping into the pool and getting caught in a downpour, I was feeling perfectly wrapped up in God's arms. I had finally fallen into His plan, His timeline, His purpose in the story that was about to unfold. Since I was already drenched, I just walked through the creek to get home faster and was greeted by my 4 favorite people laughing at the soppy mommy walking through the door.
There was nothing special about that night. We ate dinner, cleaned up and had sex. And something happened I never had where I wasn't leaky at all afterwards. It was like everything went right up into my cervix and stayed there haha (sorry for that TMI - it was just an interesting detail that I don’t want to forget) I decided to go downstairs to do one last run through the house and ended up throwing all the toys from the den into the basement “just to make the house feel a bit more peaceful when we woke up the next day”. I laid on the couch and prayed and actually had a few cyclical contractions but wasn't reading into anything for the first time all week. I was texting my good friend Nat (who is a midwife in California), giving her updates and talking through a couple things before I went to bed. It felt so good to have her be apart of this birth story in a small way, like it did with Sam and Heather. Nat was there for my last two babies and I wished she could have been here for this one. I laid down in bed and was having contractions every 15 minutes or so until I fell asleep. In complete peace, not hoping for anything to happen.
September 3rd
I woke up naturally the next day before all the kids and I knew I had been having very very spread out contractions all through the night. Yet I, surprisingly, didn't get up thinking "today's the day". I got out of bed, went pee, and got in the shower with so many happy thoughts. "It's a new day. It’s Saturday. It's the weekend! David doesn't have to work! I don't want to go into labor today. I want to go to the mountains! Maybe Red Feather Lakes.” I felt so good!
When I got out of the shower, David said he and the kids wanted biscuits and gravy, but had decided they would make whatever I wanted for breakfast. I didn't feel picky and told him to go ahead with the gravy. We were missing some ingredients so I asked if he would take all the kids to the store so I could stay home and pray. I felt so good that morning and wanted to spend some time with the Lord thanking Him for this pregnancy and staying in this peaceful state of mind. I put on coffee and went downstairs to start a load of laundry.
I began to notice I was still having those very spread out, mild contractions. It finally hit me that this was going to be a different labor. I finally accepted that. In all my other three labors I never tracked contractions until the day I was actually in labor. This time, I already had several bouts of trackable contractions over the past week, that felt like they were dilating me. I wouldn't call it prodromal labor, but it was still so different than all my other experiences. Making it so hard to know what was real and if I could read anything as a true sign of labor.
When I got downstairs to start the laundry I felt like I needed to poop. In my last two pregnancies, feeling poopy at a time of day I normally didn't go was a sign of labor, but during this pregnancy I'd felt this sensation several times during odd times of the day due to a new supplement I had been taking for heartburn that contained Magnesium. So I didn’t think anything of it. I went in the bathroom, pulled down my pants, sat down, and saw it. Blood on my underwear! (8:35am) Finally! I laughed out loud and probably shed a few tears. I even took a picture (gross, I know) but this was the last time I would ever experience this. Bloody Show! The start of labor. This was also a direct answer to prayer and confirmation that I heard God's voice. I had been asking fervently that God would make it very clear to me that labor was starting. Teddy's birth day went so well because I had bloody show in the morning and knew labor was imminent. I desperately wanted that again. It had been my number one request in prayer. And here it was happening. Thank you Lord! And it happened when I wasn't looking for it, on a day I didn't want to go into labor. When I least expected it - just like God had spoken to me weeks before when I was looking for the umpteenth time for a sign of blood on the toilet paper. "He who promised is faithful."
I immediately texted Nat to tell her the good news. She was the person I was keeping most updated on what was going on and since we had been chatting the night before I figured she should be the first to know.
I left the bathroom laughing. I couldn't believe it was finally happening! Gideon was the first one through the door and I was about to say "do you want to meet baby Violet today" but he sprinted upstairs stating loudly "I have to go pee!" David walked in next and I wanted to say something clever but instead I just blurted out "I just had bloody show". And he reacted in a way that seemed excited and ready and then followed with "So can I go to Jiu-Jitsu today?" Classic! I told him I didn't mind as long and I didn't have to put the kids down for nap on my own. He immediately called his mom to see if she could either come over or have the kids nap at her house. I hadn't even called the birth center yet. I tried to stay calm and collected and not get frantic with him already sounding the alarm. Sandi was happy to help in whatever way we wanted her to. I just needed to figure out what I wanted.
It was hard for me to have perspective for the day. With Teddy, my bloody show started around the same time but I didn't feel contractions till midnight and then I had him 5 hours after the first contraction. But this time, I had already been having contractions since the night before and was still feeling them that morning. Did this mean I'd be having her in the early afternoon? I had no idea!
I first texted my birth photographer. She had mentioned that she would be out of town at a shoot Saturday or Sunday so I wanted to make sure she was in the loop before I couldn't get ahold of her. I was glad I got in contact with her because she was planning on being in Longmont (an hour away) for a dinner party. We decided she'd change the plans accordingly if things picked up quick. Next I called the birth center and Brecklyn answered. I was happy to hear her voice. She was the midwife that came to my home visit and who I had seen the most at the center. I was hoping she would be the one on call. I told her what was going on and about my last experience of bloody show and the timing. I told her I was concerned that I wouldn't know when to make the call (since I didn’t have a great history of calling early enough) and she basically said don't worry about calling them too early.
We ate our biscuits and gravy and talked about how we were going to meet Violet soon! I then requested we go for a walk in Fox Meadows. That felt so important to me. It felt good to do it as a family. It was a beautiful day to have a baby. We played in the creek with the kids and talked through the plan for Sandi to take the kids. I was struggling with the thought of her taking them away. I knew it would be good for me to be alone in the house - for it to stay clean and to have some time to myself to pray and worship before labor really started. But I also wanted to enjoy my last day with them and really wanted them to be there for the birth.
I had no idea how to make sure that happened. We decided to start with them napping at Nana and Tebo's (David’s parent’s house) and go from there. We could always ask them to bring them back home. We ended up packing overnight bags for them all just in case.
Before I knew it, we were packing the kids into Sandi’s new big car. I kissed them all and told them I loved them and as they drove away, I began to cry to David. I felt so bad sending them away. I knew I was just being extra emotional in the excitement of everything that was about to happen, but it did just feel so wrong being without them. David and I snuggled on the couch and he prayed for me. Then he told me he didn't have to go to his BJJ class. That was really sweet (if you know him, than you know he lives for JiuJitsu) But I felt better and didn't mind himleaving me. He promised he’d keep his phone on loud on the mats so he could hear it if I called.
It ended up being so good to be alone in this house. To fill the space with God's loving presence as I got things ready and sent out the news to friends and family who wanted to be praying for us. I decided to let Jen (the midwife from CA) know that I was in labor - we were Instagram friends so I DM’d her on there haha. I figured I'd just throw it out there, on the off chance she was able to make it to the birth.
I cleaned up the kitchen and got out all the homebirth stuff. I accomplished almost everything on the list that I had tacked to the fridge for David - the emergency list in case I had woken up in full blown labor and couldn't remember all the to-dos. Another thing I really wanted to do, but never got around to doing was asking David to take some “last baby/pregnant belly pictures” with my nice camera. I decided it was up to me to make it happen, so I got out the tripod and snapped a few. I felt a little silly doing it, but now I'm so grateful for these to look back on.
When David got home I was down in the den vacuuming and he laughed at me. "Of course you're vacuuming the house while in labor". Of course I was :)
Vacuuming was done but I wanted the floor a little cleaner for when I'd be walking and dancing through the kitchen and living room in early labor (at least that's how I imagined it) so I started to do a light mop of the area. It was around that time that I realized contractions had picked up again in the last hour and maybe I should start tracking. That was around 2:55pm. From that point on I was having a mild contraction every 3-4 minutes lasting 30-45 seconds. After David ate lunch, he helped me set up the birth pool and make the bed upstairs. When everything was done, we sat on the couch and talked through what we wanted to do next. We had joked about getting David a pie to eat at Me Oh My Pie for when I was in labor. His last labor memory from Teddy’s birth, was of him sitting in the living room eating pie and drinking coffee with the midwives when I called him in that “the baby was coming!” and pushed Teddy out.
Around 3:45pm I got a call from Jen. She told me that Brecklyn had called her to let her know I was in labor and they decided that Jen would now be my attending midwife. I told her where I was at and she asked if I wanted her to come over. I said no because my contractions still seemed like the kind that if I laid down they would probably spread out a ton. She suggested I lay down and maybe I could get a nap in if that was the case.
Since labor was still pretty mild, I felt up for the 10 minute drive to get David his pie. The shop was closing at 5, so we needed to go right then to make it happen. I would lay down and try to nap when we got back home.
We took my car which has cushy, fabric seats so I'd be more comfortable. Sitting in the car, my contractions stretched to 8 minutes apart but were definitely more uncomfortable having to sit through them, instead of moving around. At home I had started doing hip circles on the exercise ball during each contraction - that felt really good.
When we got to Me Oh My Pie, I realized that it had been a long time since I'd eaten and I should probably try to get something else in me while I was still feeling good. Surprisingly, a sandwich sounded good so David ordered me one along with a fresh-baked key lime pie and cup of coffee. I ate the sandwich in between contractions. Those long breaks in the car made it easy for me to get it down before the next wave came.
We got home and I thought how strange it was to be doing so many casual things in this labor. I've never volunteered to go for a drive, I've never eaten a meal in labor. And next we were talking about putting on a movie. Again, this has never happened.
I laid on the couch and David tried to read a book to me (we had been reading A Brave New World) but I just could not concentrate on it. No surprise there. So we decided to try a movie. I wanted something light-hearted that I'd seen before - like a superhero movie. We landed on Guardians of the Galaxy. It was so weird laying down on the couch and starting up a movie in the middle of the day, whilst in labor. Weird enough just to be in the house alone this time of day with no kids in sight. David sat back as the movie started and commented on how great this day was turning out for him "Jiu-Jitsu, pie, coffee, and now a movie!” I smiled when he said this because I had noticed how God had been highlighting him to me in this pregnancy. How what David wanted mattered. I was praying since the day at that very first ultrasound when God spoke to me about His love for David, that this would be a special labor experience for him, specifically. That he would get something special from this birth. It made me happy that he was having such a good day!
While laying down, my contractions spread out to every 15 minutes, lasting a minute or more. Just like in the car, they felt pretty uncomfortable to not be moving through them. But I was able to enjoy the movie for the most part as I was having such long stretches between them.
I had been texting with my friend Laura (who was trained as a doula) and at 5:40pm, she texted and gave me some advice if my contractions continued to stay mild and not intensifying. She had a lot of great suggestions that I may not have thought of if she hadn't reached out. God is so good! Putting all the right people in my life. She suggested trying the “side-lie release” position, rebozo sifting/hip shaking, and going for a short walk or walking up and down the stairs if I wasn’t up to leaving the house.
Up until she texted, my plan was to keep resting until Sandi brought the kids home after dinner. I had decided I wanted them to all sleep here in case things picked up late into the night. (I didn't want to have to wake Sandi up to bring them home and I didn't want to have the possibility of them missing the birth because we didn't call in time.) So the plan going forward was to put them to bed and then have sex (always trying to get one last one in haha) and then try to go to bed ourselves.
But after texting with Laura and discussing different things to help labor along, something shifted for me. I began to think more about Violet's position and how that may or may not affect the progression of this labor. That morning when I woke up I noticed Violet was on my left side instead of right and I wondered if all the night contractions were due to here moving positions. But as the day went on I noticed she had gone back into her comfy position on my right side.
I decided right then. that I wanted to start trying things to encourage her to get in the best position - starting with the “restful” Miles Circuit pose. David brought up a pad for me to lie on and I got into the very awkward chest down, butt way up in the air pose and we continued to watch the movie. I laid in that pose for 30 minutes - as suggested. Contractions were not comfortable laying like that, but it felt good to be doing something to hopefully move labor along. I struggled my way out of the pose and then had David help me do the “side-lie release” pose on the edge of the couch. I wasn't sure we were doing it right, but I prayed that if Violet needed to reposition, God would honor our efforts and help encourage her in the right way. Next up - SEX IN LABOR! I couldn't believe this was happening. I had just listened to a birth story just days prior of a midwife telling her client that her and her husband needed to have sex in the middle of full blown labor as a last ditch effort to get her body in action. When I heard that I couldn't imagine how that was even possible, but if her labor pattern was anything like mine, it was totally doable. David was all for helping the process along and I nodded to God thinking, "wow this day really isn't only about me this time" haha (wink).
After that I was not in the mood to watch any more of the movie. It was getting late and I wanted to go for our walk in daylight. And here comes the magical labor walk in Fox Meadows I was praying/hoping/envisioning for so many months.
7:40pm
As we walked up the street I was telling David how I was having this strange experience where I was getting what I wanted, but I wasn't sure how I felt about it. I had been saying for months now how I wanted this last labor experience to be a longer process that I could really enjoy and be present in. While I was praying and asking God to speak to me about this labor months before on a hike, I heard Him say "Present and Presence". That would be two ways to describe this labor. But now that I was experiencing a longer, more gradual labor, where I could be more present for it all, I was hesitant to fully embrace it.
I knew myself as a "quick laborer". That had been my story for the last two and I didn't know how I felt leaving that behind. But in the moment of getting exactly what I asked for, I thanked the Lord and embraced it, hand in hand with the man I love.
I decided to curb walk the rest of the way to the entrance to Fox Meadows. At this point, I could still walk through and even talk through the contractions. We passed a couple with a kid and I felt like saying "I'm about to have a baby!" But I held back (haha) That would have been embarrassing.
We walked through the lower trail and stopped to take a picture in the wild sunflowers. When we stopped there that's when I realized I didn't want David to talk to me while having a contraction anymore. I also started to stop during them at that point. David began tracking for me and they were back at the 3ish minutes apart, lasting about 30ish seconds interval. David was in contact with Jen (my midwife) and Jess (my photographer), keeping them updated on my progress.
When we got out of Fox Meadows I wanted to do some curb walking again on the opposite leg. This time it felt a little more awkward and uncomfortable, but I proceeded anyway - just hoping it would help get Violet in the best position. At the start of the walk, my contractions were in my lower abdomen and back, but now I was not feeling them on my cervix at all so I wasn't convinced she was aligned right to move into the birth canal.
David mentioned that my contractions were seeming more intense and asked if he should tell Jen to come. I said no, I wasn’t ready yet, not convinced things would be ramping up to “real labor” anytime soon.
We got home right around 8pm and Sandi and the kids were there. She was helping them brush their teeth downstairs and I could tell right away that they had gotten on the couch and kinda messed up the waterproof drop cloth and blanket I had set up there. I remember feeling kind of annoyed about that. Haha
I was having a contraction and Sandi started talking to me. I must have been handling it well because she had no idea, David had to tell her. Suddenly that need to be alone laboring hit me hard and I just wanted her to go but I was not gonna tell her that. It felt rude to be like “can you please go? Now.”, especially after she had helped so much that day. She asked me what was going on in my labor and I gave her a short recap of the day, ending it by saying that there was no way I’d be having the baby before midnight - meaning Violet and Steve (David’s dad) would have twinsie birthdays (Sept. 4th). She was surprised to hear that.
Sandi asked if there was anything else she could do to help before leaving, but I said “no, she could go home”. After she left, I tried to bounce on the ball, but that didn't feel good anymore. I then went upstairs and tried to sit on the toilet, but I instantly had a contraction when I sat down and it felt horrible.
All the kids were still up and I told David to hurry and get Teddy to bed so we could start filling the birth pool. He told me that Jen was asking if she should come because she had a 30 minute drive. I said “why don't you put Teddy down and then I’ll decide.” He asked if I was sure. And I honestly didn't know. This labor was so unlike my last two quick births and I just didn’t know how to gauge my feelings.
I walked away and had another contraction that felt really intense and that made me really want to get in the water. After that one passed, I yelled out “tell them to come!” I attempted to start filling the pool, but the water wasn't coming out the hose on the end feeding into the pool. There was a kink at the top of the hose in the bathroom sink that I couldn't fix because there was a hard plastic piece that was in the way. I tried to reposition the hose but then the sink attachment wouldn’t stay on. I couldn’t believe this was happening!
David came out of Teddys room and I told him I couldn't get the hose to stay on. He told me he would deal with it.
I couldn't take it any longer. I NEEDED to be in hot water so I got in the kids’ tiny bathtub and turned on the faucet as hot as it would go. Since Sandi had left I has started to quietly moan through the contractions. But laying there in that tiny tub, I began to moan very loudly. Things went from intense but manageable to very very intense pressure in the water. Maple walked into the bathroom (oh yeah, did I mention, my two big kids were still awake?) and asked “why are you making those noises Mommy”. I reminded her what we had talked about for the last few weeks in preparing for the kid attended homebirth - “Mommy was gonna make lots of funny noises. It was okay.” She wasn’t convinced haha
During a break in contractions, I looked up on the shower wall and saw the kids’ bath toy caddy and thankfully had the wherewithal to move it out of the way for the pictures in case this is where I ended up giving birth. (So thankful I did that haha)
David came in with tape and secured the hose to the sink faucet. After that, we thought everything was working out for the tub. He then he got to work putting Gideon and Maple to bed. While he was gone I began to hear water dripping. I yelled for David and told him to look under the sink. Sure enough, the water was backflowing and coming through the pipes instead of out of the hose. I suddenly felt so stupid for sending Sandi home. We should have let her put the kids down so that David could have focused on filling the tub. I couldn't believe that, once again, we were having birth tub troubles. (Read back on my last two birth stories) I thought we had been so careful to make sure everything was gonna work out this time. We had our water heater cranked all the way up. We did a practice run setting up the tub. I made sure the hose attachment worked on the bathroom faucet. But the one thing I hadn’t done was actually turned on the water and watched it flow from one end to the other. I thought the hose should stay dry leading up to the birth… That was a wrong decision.
David told me he was gonna start filling the tub with cold water form the spigot outside and then start adding pots of hot water from the stove to it. I told him “No!” That wouldn't work. It needed to be filled with very HOT hot water only.
I think, in that moment, I knew the birth pool was not gonna happen. My contractions were so intense. I finally, knew and accepted that she was coming soon. After my next contraction I yelled, “David I feel pushy! Where is Jen!?”
He called her and she said she was 2 miles away. That sounded so close, but with the next contraction I felt Violet crowning and it took everything in me to hold her in. I remembered how in Maple’s birth, Nat had me lay on the bed on my side with my legs together to keep her in while I waited for my head midwife to arrive. I decided to assume that position in the tub and it helped - although it was extremely uncomfortable.
I heard someone come in the front door. It was Jess, my photgrapher. I was so happy someone was here. I was actually relieved that at least Jess would be there to take pictures of Violet coming into the world in case Jen didn't make it in time. But I also felt bad that she was the only one there and wondered if she felt okay with this.
Jess was so sweet and calm. She told me how beautiful the space was. I told her her how the tub wasn't working and she said “your hubby is trying to make it work. I'm gonna help him get a couple pots of hot water in there and then I’ll be back.”
She walked out of the bathroom and then it hit me that my speaker playing my birth songs was downstairs. I could heard one of my favorite songs playing and really wanted/needed the music to be playing closer to me. I yelled out again to David to “Bring up my speaker!”
The next contraction was another where I definitely could have pushed Violet out. My belly looked like a rectangle, I could see her form under my skin and I felt like I was trying to force her in the opposite direction than she wanted to go. It was wild and I don’t know how I managed to hold her back for so long. I don’t even really know what was going on in my head in those moments. I had said so many times since Maple’s fast and furious (dare I say, “easy”) labor how I would kind of like to haver an unassisted birth one day. But, that wasn't the plan and I knew Jen was hopefully close enough that she would make it in time. I also really wanted my kids to be there to see Violet be born, but I couldn't even think about them being there when my midwife wasn't. I don't think David could have handled me doing it alone and have the kids there at the same time. And it didn’t even cross my mind “Oh I can just push her out now and this pain will be over.” The vibe was a little chaotic, between how fast things suddenly ramped up and the tub not working out. I was in no place to have a peaceful, unnassited homebirth.
It felt like I blinked and then suddenly Jen was there by my side. I told her that Violet had been crowning for the last few contractions. She ran down to get her gloves and when she returned I was having a contraction and felt Violet crowning again. I said, in almost a panic, during the contraction, "I’m not ready!” and Jen responded in her calm, supportive midwife voice "You don't have to be". When that contraction ended I looked into Jen’s eyes and said, “I'm not sure if I want my kids here." And she said so matter-of-factly, “If you want them, we can go get them right now. Do you want us to?" And suddenly, I just knew so clearly that I wanted them there, "Yes! Go get them."
Before I knew it they were there with me and I was so happy to see them. Gideon looked so excited. Maple looked a little nervous, hunkered in the safety of her daddy's embrace. I reached for each of their hands and told them how happy I was that they were there. I told them that I might be loud but that I was okay. Jen listened to Violet on the doppler and told me that she sounded great.
8:55 pm
And with the next contraction I bore down and pushed out her head. It felt so amazing having that part done and even more so, looking over and seeing my two big kids there witnessing this miracle.
It felt like I had a nice long pause before I pushed her body out.
She was born en caul! (It didn't even hit me till the next day that I never had the waters breaking moment which is usually my sign that the head is ready to come out.) I saw Jen pull the sac off of Violet’s head and saw it on my left breast. That was pretty cool and so unique.
Violet was covered in a thick layer of vernix. She cried loud and pretty quickly opened her eyes and looked at me. The kids were saying the cutest things, “Aww Violet you're here. She's so cute mommy. You are so brave Mommy. You are so strong! You did it." I wish so badly that I had that all recorded! Gideon and Maple’s presence there made this my favorite birth. It felt like this full circle moment. Especially having Gideon there. My first baby who taught me how much strength I had inside of me, watching my last baby be born.
I birthed the placenta and I stayed in the tub a good long while. I had asked Jen at our prenatal about long delayed chord clamping. I had never really waited very long with the others. This time I wanted to wait till all the blood had drained form the umbilical chord, before disconnecting Violet from it, so that’s what we did. We cuddled in the tub for a bit but I started to feel cold and wanted to get out.
David carried Violet who was still connected to the placenta into our room. I followed after.
We got in our big cozy bed and cuddled under a blanket - me, David, Gideon, Maple, and Violet. (Teddy was snoozing away in the room next door.)
In the end Violet was born right where she was meant to be born. Because of how I needed to lay in that tiny, shallow tub both the kids and my photographer were able to see everything so clearly.
The intimate space of the small bathroom, filled with my family and birth team, with all the lights on made me so “present” for the whole thing. And then getting into my bed right away was amazing. (The original plan downstairs was to be on the couch afterward. Which would have been fine, but I much preferred going straight to my bed after all that hard work.)
My photographer captured some great pictures while Jen and Sheredia looked over my placenta and did the newborn check. And Gideon and Maple were able to be apart of it all.
It was such a beautiful and perfect day and night that I could never have planned out myself. God knew. He knew all along. It just took me way too long to get on board.
Now I have two daughters - both born on the 3rd of their month. Feels pretty special to me and maybe has more to it than I know.
David got to eat his pie that night and I got to drink the champagne I’d been saving since January ( a closing gift from our realtor - that I’d been eagerly waiting to enjoy) FINALLY.
It hit me the next day that this labor really took off when I knew the kids were home. Which was such a different experience than the previous two births which took off when a kid left or when my kids went to sleep. But this time I needed them. I needed to know they were there.
My last pregnancy. My hardest pregnancy. My not greatest moments. I let myself struggle through this one. I felt tired. I felt big. I felt bad. Bad that I didn't feel good. Bad that I wasn't more thankful. Bad that I had to say no to my three kids on the outside so many times. Bad that I didn't want to do much.
And now I laugh. Because in one night that season is over and a new one has come. A different challenge. But one that I'm joyfully up for. In one night I became a mom to FOUR.
Violet Scout Rans, we are so happy you are here. Welcome to the world my love!
We can’t wait to get to know you!
Mama
Other notable details to remember:
Looking for blood every time I wiped
Things Good spoke over the pregnancy/birth:
It will happen when you least expect it
Unlike all the others
Present, presence
Water
"That where I am, you shall be also"
A new day
12 hour labor like Gideon’s - I was asking God that this labor would be a longer experience like Gideon’s labor was